My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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