my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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