A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
