I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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