Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
