just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
