dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
