this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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