Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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