Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
