You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
