Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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