It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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