He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
