your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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