Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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