what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
