If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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