I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
