you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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