it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
