She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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