I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
