I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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