I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Randomize
