So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I didn't notice because vodka
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
