I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
