I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
