I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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