Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
