Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
