is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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