Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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