I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
