I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
