omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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