I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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