I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
