He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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