when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
