one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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