the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I need to sanitize my soul.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
