You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
