also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
ok first of all what the fuck
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
