My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
