the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
