btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
