she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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