1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
