Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I got inside last night via doggy door
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
