I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
