also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
